Proper 18 2014

Proper 18, 2014

It may be an over-statement, or it might be an inescapable truth, but it seems to me that children have the unique ability to test our principles. I don’t know if it’s their persistence, their overly-honest questions, or their ability to test (rigorously) every boundary. But, no matter how intentional you try to be about parenting, there are those times when your best intentions fail miserably, and the old adage about pavement on the road to hell suddenly makes all the sense in the world. Yet, because you have a responsibility to your children, and you want to instill in them all of the good things and principles that will help them to be healthy, happy contributors to society, you keep going. Still, after a particularly tough day with the kids, I hear the words of Groucho Marx ringing in my head: “These are my principles, if you don’t like them, I have others.”

With all of that said, though, I do obviously adore my children—and I do want to help form them into decent people. And, if everything that I’m trying to teach them were a handful of spaghetti thrown at the wall, the stuff that I hope would stick would be: be kind; be compassionate; be a strong person of integrity, and do your best to sort out problems with other people with dignity and respect.

Now, when you’re all done chuckling under your breath, I’ll just tell you that the places where we’re able to teach these things most often is when conflict arises. And, because we have three spirited young boys with strong opinions, we get plenty of opportunities to teach… Not so impossible after all, huh?

The point is, it’s our job as their parents to walk them through the process of productive conflict resolution. Of course, while the work can get loud at times, we do our best to encourage a healthy resolution—whether that means making-up and moving on, or just playing separately for a while. And, always, throughout the process, we do our best to make sure that their at least trying to be kind and respectful.  So far, it seems to be working, but like everything it takes intentionality.

Anyway, as it turns out, our Gospel reading today deals with this whole idea of conflict resolution. And, while there are some similarities to how adults and children work to resolve conflict; Jesus offers some guidelines for doing it in a healthy way.

He says if someone in the community somehow wrongs you, go to them and talk it out. If that doesn’t work, take a couple of other people, and try and work it out together. If for some reason, that still doesn’t settle the matter, take it to the whole community. After this, if there is still no resolution, you need to walk away, and allow the person and the issue to fade away as well.

While, on the surface, the practice seems pretty cut-and-dry; a closer look at what Jesus is advocating actually has a number of implications besides simply how to handle conflict. This is because not only do we see the responsibility of the individuals involved directly in the conflict, but also their responsibility to the community—and vice versa—the community’s responsibility to the individuals. What’s more, Jesus infers some things about the nature of reconciliation and forgiveness, and how these things are vital to individuals, as well as communities.

So, let’s start with this idea of conflict, and how it affects people and their communities. We know from Family Systems theory, among other things, that when conflict develops between two people, it doesn’t just stay between those two people. No one really likes conflict, and so the discomfort that conflict causes people makes them go to other people to talk about the conflict. This is one way that humans try to alleviate the anxiety and stress that comes from conflict…Family Systems calls this triangulating.

Well, as the triangulation continues, and the root conflict remains unresolved, the anxiety and stress of the conflict begins to infect the community, and in time, this can do some serious damage to the whole community. The point is, when conflict arises between individuals, they have a responsibility to their community, as well as one another to try to resolve it.

Now, as Jesus says, if the conflict can’t be resolved individually—if this other person just won’t even try—then some trusted people should be brought into the conversation. In the context of the Ancient Near East, one or two other people would have been brought along for credible legal testimony later on if things went badly.

However, even in our own time and culture, I think we could still agree that it might be a good thing to bring trusted people into the conversation.

Sometimes we become so entrenched in our own understanding, that the obstinacy that we perceive in the other person, may, in fact, be our own stubbornness. So, it can be helpful to have others who can help us see the bigger picture of a particular conflict.

Likewise, even if resolution can’t be attained, these others might be able to help mitigate the damage that could be caused by the conflict, if it infected the community.

Finally, if all else fails, take the matter to the whole community. I know this sounds a little extreme. After all, I think we would consider individual conflicts kind of a private matter, and bringing the whole community into it would seem inappropriate. But, then again, when we’re trying not to resolve a matter—or better still whenever we’re trying to avoid resolving a matter, we naturally tend to tell others about it anyway. This is that triangulation thing again. So, while we might make the excuse that our conflict is a private thing—if we’re drawing others into the conflict, or if our behavior affects other people in our community…then the conflict we’re in with another individual is definitely NOT a private matter. It’s just that we want to make ourselves believe that it’s private. So, we owe it to ourselves and our community to be honest.

But, that aside, we don’t start by going to the whole community first. Again, we begin individually, and work up to this—and if we’re trying this hard to resolve a conflict, and there is still no resolution, we do need to bring the matter to the church community.

Now, how this is done, can be up for some interpretation. After all, the kind of community in the Early Church would have been small gatherings in houses—a much more intimate context for this type of conversation. However, today, we might be better suited to bring these situations to the governing body of a church—the vestry, or board.

The point is, if it’s human nature to tell people in the church about a conflict we’re having with another member of the church because we don’t want to deal with the conflict; then how much more responsibility do we have to that same community to utilize healthy ways of resolving a conflict… Also, if it has gone this far, the community should be ready for any potential fallout.

Now, all of this is simply rehashing what Jesus taught about resolving conflict in the faith community. And, while I obviously harped on our responsibility to the community, there’s a lot more to this passage, as well.

One thing that I think stands out is this idea that whatever we bind on earth, we bind in heaven. In other words, if we bind ourselves to division, conflict and un-forgiveness in this transitory life; we bind ourselves to it eternally. For me, this seems to mean a couple of things. If I choose to hold on to a grudge, I bind myself to the person whom I feel has wronged me until I can either forgive, or let go of it… So, the things that I might choose to hold over someone who has wronged me, holds me—binds me to the person as much as they are bound to me. And if they have really wronged me, the thought of being inextricably bound to them just feels icky.

What’s more, if I hold on to the pain of a particular wrong, it can take on all sorts of forms—bitterness, rage, hatred… Such strong emotions can even become somaticized into physical sickness or neurosis. Beyond that, the inability to forgive, or let go can even shape the way I live my life and how I think. It can affect how I relate to family and friends.

Basically, this means who I am gets changed by what I choose to do or not do. This, I think, is what it means to bind these things in heaven, or eternally.

Now, I don’t want to give the impression that forgiveness is easy, and I don’t want to sound as if all wrongs are equal, and we just need to get over ourselves and forgive people… The fact is that there are some wrongs that can wound us to such a degree that forgiveness might take a very long time—if it can ever happen. However, in these cases, perhaps this is where letting go can be helpful. What I mean by this is that while we may not be able to forgive, and relinquish our hurt—instead, we try to let go of our claim to justice, and admit that it is our own need to see our version of justice done. It’s my sense that if we can begin here, that we have a better chance of finally coming to some sense of peace and eventual forgiveness…

Anyway, to bring this all together, even in a community of faith, conflict arises—just as it does in families. However, if we’re intentional about how we work through these matters, we’ll not only foster a healthier community—but we may even begin to learn those deeper values of dignity, compassion, kindness and forgiveness.